Archive for the ‘obscure bible verses’ Category

Being the Son of God, Jesus had super powers. He once changed water into wine in a wedding feast, walked on water, mutiplied fish and bread by thousands, raised Lazarus from the dead and healed a lot of ailing people. But all these he did for the benefit of others, not for himself. You must begin to wonder if he ever used it for selfish reasons. He was not being selfish when, instead of staying dead, he resurrected himself on the third day. That was all part of the Father’s plans.

This passage tells us that instance when he did abuse his super powers. Also it reveals Jesus’ temper. You know that thing about money changers in the temple? There’s good reason to be pissed there. The people were defiling his temple by hawking their wares in his temple -which was supposed to be a of prayer. That’s tantamount to wearing your shoes when entering a mosque. 

Actually, on the day before that thrashing thing, he had exhibited some violent behavior. So even before he saw the commercial activity in the temple, he was already upset about something. And what was that?

12The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. 13Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. 14Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it. -Mark 11:12-14

It was not fig season, but apparently he is too famished to think straight. He can’t multiply the fruit like he did with the loaves of bread and fish since mutliplying zero will give you a product of zero. He knew his math. So what did he do? He cursed the tree into being barren. That’s like burning a McDonald’s because it’s not the season for Twister Fries. Couldn’t he have just magically make the fig tree bear fruits? He can defy physics by walking on water, can’t he defy biology as well?

Thorns on the head, thousands of lashes, dragging a heavy wooden cross and getting crucified he can handle. But not getting fig at a time when it’s not fig season, he can’t? He once fasted for forty days and forty nights. What’s with the guy?

Clearly he’s power tripping.

So he’s into figs, right? While fasting and meditating for forty days and forty nights, Satan tempted him with riches: treasures, castles and power on Earth, but he didn’t give in. If only Satan knew Jesus was into figs, he could have dangled a fig at the end of the stick on a cliff.   

By the way, the disciples heard him curse the tree. The next day, they see the tree and they were flabbergasted that the tree has withered and died. You can imagine the disciples whispering about how powerful he was and how much of a jackass he could be when pissed.

They might have wondered if they will suffer the same fate when asked for a piece of bread next time. He lost his temper. He exhibited some villain-like tantrum when things didn’t go his way. How different is the guy from Darth Vader who when disappointed delivers an invisible chokehold on his sotrm trooper?

In a way you can say that this might affect his relationship with his disciples. He realized this and tried to do something about it. How does he recover from such vulgar display of power tripping then?

He uses that withered tree that he cursed to teach a new lesson. He uses this to imply how much doubts and how little faith they have.

 

 20In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. 21Peter remembered and said to Jesus, “Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”

 22“Have[a] faith in God,” Jesus answered. 23“I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. 24Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”[b]-Mark 11:20-25.

Peter was stating the fact that the tree Jesus cursed whithered. He wasn’t implying anything. In fact he might even be praising him for his power to make trees wither since it did not manifest on the instant he cursed it. He might be saying to the others that they should see that he indeed cursed the tree to barrenness.

How does Jesus answer? He tells them to have faith in God and goes on to talk about flinging oneself to the sea and how prayers actually work if you truly wish for it. Then he proceeeds to give Peter the power to forgive sins in this world. The Catholic Church would later interpret this verse and use it as basis for the powers of the priests to forgive sins if sinners will confess their sins to them inside a big box.

All this priestly powers because of some whithered tree Jesus cursed.

 

25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

Then they move to Jerusalem again where he shows off his debating skills.

 Jesus is known as a well-mannered individual as a whole. He insisted on turning the other cheek, encouraged his snobbish disciples to allow children to come and listen to him and preached about sitting on the humblest seat when invited to a dinner. He is also known as a great motivational speaker who electrified the crowd without resorting to foul language. Or may he did…

There was a time he was pissed in the bible. He sees some entrepreneurial action going on in his temple. He thrashes the place. He overturns tables and flings animal products, but over all he kept his tongue in check. In Jesus Christ Superstar he just sings in falsetto “My temple should be a house of prayer/ But you have made it to a den of thieves/ Get out!/ Get out!”

 

Another instance that one would think he may have used a not-so-wholesome language would be that one of the last seven words where an exasperated Jesus asked in a mildly questioning manner, “Father, why have you forsaken me?” It would sound like he doesn’t want to be crucified anymore and he questions God’s will. It may sound defiant and he seems to be doubting God’s love there. But still it is nothing you would consider as something to bleeped. Given all the things he had to endure in the movie in Passion of the Christ, that sentence would rather sound very polite as opposed to what most of us will say when we bump our head on a table while picking up a fork we dropped on the floor.  

 

While it can be inferred that Jesus chose his words well and used a kind of language most of our parents would applaud since he is the Son of God, who would have thought that at some time he sounded just like a regular construction worker? 

Jesus was preaching about the cost of being a disciple. He talks about how much commitment is needed to become one. He illustrates this idea by saying that a man who plans to construct a building should estimate first and check whether he has enough materials to complete it.

It can be sensed though that Jesus is might have gotten up from the wrong side of the bed that day when he proceeds to use war to explain his idea further. He tells them that those who go to war need to estimate if they have enough soldiers against their enemies. He may be hinting on sending a scout on a quick horse. Normally, he would use grapes and lost coins in his parables, but he seems to border on something violent that day.

Then he resorts to foul language to hammer the idea on disciples-to-be who happen to be in the area. Bear in mind that when this was said at their time the more popular word we use for this bodily waste was not yet in use.

 34“Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? 35It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out.
      “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” -Luke 14:34-35

If we translate it to modern lingo it would sound something like this:

34“Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? 35It is fit neither for the soil nor for a pile of shit; it is thrown out.

It is neither fit for the soil nor for pile of a crap!

“Yeah, the commitment you are showing now is greatly appreciated, but what good would it be once it fades and it is gone? It’s so useless it is worth less than a pile of shit,”  Jesus Christ.

Why did Jesus use ‘pile of shit’ or ‘pile of crap’ instead of ‘pile of garbage’? It still means the same thing -a pile of useless things. I don’t know maybe it’s because was stressed out at that time because he had a long day. In that same chapter he had debated with some pharisees and talked of a parable of a great banquet. The parable may have been an improv and it took its toll on him.  

Or maybe this is where his carpenter roots come in. Remember he grew up with a carpenter foster father and maybe that’s the way Joseph talks to his kid at home.

 “Why can’t I worship the Lord my way, like praying like hell in my deathbed?” Homer to Marge while entering the church late in The Simpsons Movie.

Homer may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but this is one instant that I would say he is a genius. You see, he just stumbled upon the biggest loophole in the Christian religion. And he does so without outside help. This is what an epiphany is and not that one induced by some Inuit throat singing.

If you’ll believe what priests and pastors tell you, then attaining salvation would mean doing things their way -dressing up in clothes you would not normally wear and attending boring masses, Sunday schools, bible studies, enduring boring and phony people at fellowship, actually reading the thick bible —and giving donations you wish you’d spend buying pirated DVDs. 

While reading the bible can be fun, there’s one passage you might wish to highlight with a yellow marker. 

I’ll tell you who the smartest man in the bible is. Roman Catholic tradition refers to him as Dimas. You know, that criminal guy at the right side of Christ in his crucifixion.

From left to right: Dimas (he’s at Jesus’s right), Jesus and Hestas.

This is how it is described in Luke 23:39-43:

39One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Christ? Save yourself and us!”

 40But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? 41We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”

 42Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.[a]

 43Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.”

 

Smooooth, Dimas. Here you are with no way out. You’re nailed on the cross with two others. You’re certain that you’ll die, right? There’s no escaping crucifixion on your own. What hurt would it do you if you at least pretend to care, to revere the other guy, who you’re not so sure if he’s the messiah or just another wannabe Willem Defoe built crosses for in The Last Temptation of the Christ? Nothing, right? So, why don’t you throw in your apples in that basket and hope that he was actually the on prophesied for centuries?  

If Dimas was the smartest, the dumbest one in the bible would be (yup it’s open to debate, actually)  the one on Jesus’s left, Hestas.  

How stupid was that guy when he challenged the ‘messiah’ and told him, “Aren’t you the messiah? Why don’t you save yourself and us?” For him to say that, he could’ve meant either of the two:

1. He was insulting the man because he didn’t actually believed that he was one.

Now, what good would that do him? What purpose would it have served to insult a man on the cross who, however remote the possibility was, could have been the messiah? What, to make himself feel like some bully or something? What was he thinking?

“Oh maybe the Romans will laugh and they’ll let me off because I’m cool?” Was he trying to win their hearts with that put down? Did he consider that maybe the Roman soldiers didn’t speak Jew.

Jesus must be saying, “Let’s see how you enjoy hell, bitch.”

2. Or, maybe, he did believe he was the messiah.

But, is that the kind of tone you’d use to a ‘messiah’? Especially on that occasion? If that wasn’t stupid, you’d have invent a new word. You see a man who you think might be the messiah. You see that he’s lost buckets of blood. He’s been egged on by King Herod to perform magic tricks. He wanted to turn him into a toad or at least give him the finger, but that doesn’t go well with his  savior thing. It’s against the objectives of his mission. And here you are criminal nailed on the cross because you deserved every second of it and you demand things from him that he wouldn’t do to a king?

Jesus in front of Herpd in Jesus Christ Superstar

Now, let’s go back to Dimas. Dimas has just showed us the way, people. We can actually live the same life we have now. He actually led a more rotten life that you have. He’s a criminal, so I guess he had led a life of booze, women, stealing stuff, lying here and there, cheating, etc. Yo9u know life modern day rappers, without a record label and album.

What I’m saying is, if a criminal who sucked up to Jesus in the last minute can actually be told that at that moment he is in paradise with Jesus, real paradise mind you, not the one you get when you smoke a joint with a friend, what more if you’ll pray like hell in your deathbed? That’s sure entry to heaven, I’m telling you.

I’m sure, your priests and pastors will tell you that attaining salvation is not easy. It’s because they don’t want to lose revenues. Do you actually believe that they cared for your soul even before they have met you? You’re just a faceless human being who at one point of his life he may have wished dead because you were ahead of him in line when he was getting his driver’s license at the Land Transportation Office.

 

What I offer you is this church. A church built, not on fear, guilt and donations, but on a solid bible verse (no, not John 3:16)–The Church of Dimas. Live your life the way you want. Watch basketball and cartoons. Then, pray like hell in your deathbed when the times comes. 

Unlike our Western counterparts who have their foreskins snipped at the hospital on the same week they are born, we Filipinos have our circumcision at a certain age. A friend of mine asked me what age is the best to have his child circumcised. She wants to know if it wise to have her nine-year old child circumcised during the sem break. I’m not much of an authority on the matter and so I turn to an ever-reliable source of answer for all things -The Bible! So here’s a few Q&A about the said topic.

1. But before we even think the right age for such operation, we should be asking the right question first. Should we even have that skin cut off?

According to Genesis 7:11, we should as a sign of our covenant with Him. Yup, as a sign that we are His children and not Satan’s. That’s what a covenant is, right? Some sort of commitment you have with a girlfriend, video game console, or your band. Every time I quote the Bible and you don’t believe me, go on and click on the hyperlink –the underlined word, sheesh.

2. So aside from baptism, confirmation and the other sacraments, one should have circumcision if they have a penis, right? Or their souls belong to Satan. But when should my child have it snipped?

Yup, shedding that skin is needed. If we ask the Bible again, you can see how specific they are with when this should take place. It is when he’s eight days old, according to Genesis 17:12. Take note days, not years. So, if you want it done Bible-style, you’re child’s too late.

 

Above: infant circumcision. I suggest you do not try this at home.  

In the Philippines, circumcision is not done after birth. It is done not by a mohel, but by a doctor or some local albularyo or faith healer with a trusty blade and chopping board, known as di-pukpok. Children will have to live up to around twelve years old with their foreskin till summer of grade six. That’s the most common time of their lives that they have to be circumcised. It’s some sort of a transition period. From lower and middle school to upper school. From boyhood to manhood. They should shed the hood before  high school or they become a bully target.  The snake’s head should be out before grass sprouts. What humiliation one would have when he shows his pubic area to the doctor if he has that bush around.

Above: photo of mass-circumcised twelve year old kids.

These are the poor ones. I didn’t have get that way. I got this best friend who split the payment with me. It was just the two of us… Wait, I don’t think I want to talk about this.

And one should not delay having their foreskins taken off for it is not only in the Philippines that being not circumcised is frowned upon by society, but to God’s own eyes as well.

3. What? Will I lose my child to Satan if he doesn’t undergo this?  

It says so here in Genesis 17:14. Any uncircumcised male wil be cut off from his people for he has broken my covenant. Not only will your child suffer the humiliation from his peers and society, but he’ll suffer eternal damnation as well. And God compares those who do not follow his commands to uncircumcised males. Uncircumcised males! Not to perverts, animals, or an inferior race, but to uncircumcised males! That’s from Romans 2:25.

 You don’t want to anger God, do you? Check Ezekiel and you might find about how he is when he gets pissed. His mad libs will reduce Stone Steve Austin and The Rock to jabronies.

 

4. But my son has missed the bus. Obviously it’s a little bit more than eight days. Is it too late?  

The Egyptians had circumcision at adulthood. But let’s not walk their path. After all, these are people who were drowned in the Red Sea because they angered God. Let’s review the bible. And I have encouraging news for you.

 

Yup, fret not, my dear friend, for there is a loophole in here. It turns out an important biblical figure had his foreskin chopped off late in his life. Abraham, father of some nations, had his foreskin sliced off at the ancient age of ninety-fucking-nine! We’re talking about some prophet of sorts here. (Genesis 17:24)

 

Above photo courtesy of Caravaggio: An angel instructs Abraham how to self-circumcise. The angel reminds him to sharpen his knife. With that leathery old skin of his the blade may fly off and impale him in the face.

But do not wait for your child to turn 99.

According to statistics, the average life span of a Filipino is 67.5 years old. Chances are your child would be dead for forty years if you’ll wait till 99.

5. I don’t want my child hurt. I think he’ll be saved from the fiery pits of hell because he hears mass every Sunday.

You know what, there was this biblical figure who suffered and died in cross. His life has been made into several movies. Even a musical! Now, I don’t think there’s even a song made for your child. You know who I’m talking about? The Savior that’s who! Even Jesus, the purest of them all,  had to be circumcised (Luke 2: 20-22)!

 

6. Fucking told my husband to have it during the Christmas holidays. But does he listen? No. He said it was cool. He said he even saw it in porn before.

Wait, are these questions for your child or your husband? Well, if that’s the case. If it’s for your husband. I know how pig-headed he is at times.  Go ahead. Shag to your hearts’ content. Forget circumcision. It’s not that important really.

7. Wait, you’re telling me now it’s okay. Well which one is it? Okay or not? You got me confused.

You have to think of God like a girlfriend or wife. He says this one day and says fuck it the next. Think of the bible this way. When he wrote the Old Testament he was having some sort of PMS bad trip and other half, the New Testament is when he’s feeling sweety (but like most girlfriends, does things in a roundabout guilt tripping manner).

Let me present to you the all-absolving verse that negates everything single thing that has been discussed here. In the previous verse in Romans 2:25, it is hinted that circumcision is not really that important. You can be circumcised and yet be like uncircumcised if you didn’t follow God’s commands. Here’s 1 Corinthians 7:19 that says:

“19Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God’s commands is what counts”

Wait, why ask me? I’m not the one who gets inserted with that thing.

As this poster says, it’s your CIRCUMDECISSION.