Unlike our Western counterparts who have their foreskins snipped at the hospital on the same week they are born, we Filipinos have our circumcision at a certain age. A friend of mine asked me what age is the best to have his child circumcised. She wants to know if it wise to have her nine-year old child circumcised during the sem break. I’m not much of an authority on the matter and so I turn to an ever-reliable source of answer for all things -The Bible! So here’s a few Q&A about the said topic.
1. But before we even think the right age for such operation, we should be asking the right question first. Should we even have that skin cut off?
According to Genesis 7:11, we should as a sign of our covenant with Him. Yup, as a sign that we are His children and not Satan’s. That’s what a covenant is, right? Some sort of commitment you have with a girlfriend, video game console, or your band. Every time I quote the Bible and you don’t believe me, go on and click on the hyperlink –the underlined word, sheesh.
2. So aside from baptism, confirmation and the other sacraments, one should have circumcision if they have a penis, right? Or their souls belong to Satan. But when should my child have it snipped?
Yup, shedding that skin is needed. If we ask the Bible again, you can see how specific they are with when this should take place. It is when he’s eight days old, according to Genesis 17:12. Take note days, not years. So, if you want it done Bible-style, you’re child’s too late.
Above: infant circumcision. I suggest you do not try this at home.
In the Philippines, circumcision is not done after birth. It is done not by a mohel, but by a doctor or some local albularyo or faith healer with a trusty blade and chopping board, known as di-pukpok. Children will have to live up to around twelve years old with their foreskin till summer of grade six. That’s the most common time of their lives that they have to be circumcised. It’s some sort of a transition period. From lower and middle school to upper school. From boyhood to manhood. They should shed the hood before high school or they become a bully target. The snake’s head should be out before grass sprouts. What humiliation one would have when he shows his pubic area to the doctor if he has that bush around.
Above: photo of mass-circumcised twelve year old kids.
These are the poor ones. I didn’t have get that way. I got this best friend who split the payment with me. It was just the two of us… Wait, I don’t think I want to talk about this.
And one should not delay having their foreskins taken off for it is not only in the Philippines that being not circumcised is frowned upon by society, but to God’s own eyes as well.
3. What? Will I lose my child to Satan if he doesn’t undergo this?
It says so here in Genesis 17:14. Any uncircumcised male wil be cut off from his people for he has broken my covenant. Not only will your child suffer the humiliation from his peers and society, but he’ll suffer eternal damnation as well. And God compares those who do not follow his commands to uncircumcised males. Uncircumcised males! Not to perverts, animals, or an inferior race, but to uncircumcised males! That’s from Romans 2:25.
You don’t want to anger God, do you? Check Ezekiel and you might find about how he is when he gets pissed. His mad libs will reduce Stone Steve Austin and The Rock to jabronies.
4. But my son has missed the bus. Obviously it’s a little bit more than eight days. Is it too late?
The Egyptians had circumcision at adulthood. But let’s not walk their path. After all, these are people who were drowned in the Red Sea because they angered God. Let’s review the bible. And I have encouraging news for you.
Yup, fret not, my dear friend, for there is a loophole in here. It turns out an important biblical figure had his foreskin chopped off late in his life. Abraham, father of some nations, had his foreskin sliced off at the ancient age of ninety-fucking-nine! We’re talking about some prophet of sorts here. (Genesis 17:24)
Above photo courtesy of Caravaggio: An angel instructs Abraham how to self-circumcise. The angel reminds him to sharpen his knife. With that leathery old skin of his the blade may fly off and impale him in the face.
But do not wait for your child to turn 99.
According to statistics, the average life span of a Filipino is 67.5 years old. Chances are your child would be dead for forty years if you’ll wait till 99.
5. I don’t want my child hurt. I think he’ll be saved from the fiery pits of hell because he hears mass every Sunday.
You know what, there was this biblical figure who suffered and died in cross. His life has been made into several movies. Even a musical! Now, I don’t think there’s even a song made for your child. You know who I’m talking about? The Savior that’s who! Even Jesus, the purest of them all, had to be circumcised (Luke 2: 20-22)!
6. Fucking told my husband to have it during the Christmas holidays. But does he listen? No. He said it was cool. He said he even saw it in porn before.
Wait, are these questions for your child or your husband? Well, if that’s the case. If it’s for your husband. I know how pig-headed he is at times. Go ahead. Shag to your hearts’ content. Forget circumcision. It’s not that important really.
7. Wait, you’re telling me now it’s okay. Well which one is it? Okay or not? You got me confused.
You have to think of God like a girlfriend or wife. He says this one day and says fuck it the next. Think of the bible this way. When he wrote the Old Testament he was having some sort of PMS bad trip and other half, the New Testament is when he’s feeling sweety (but like most girlfriends, does things in a roundabout guilt tripping manner).
Let me present to you the all-absolving verse that negates everything single thing that has been discussed here. In the previous verse in Romans 2:25, it is hinted that circumcision is not really that important. You can be circumcised and yet be like uncircumcised if you didn’t follow God’s commands. Here’s 1 Corinthians 7:19 that says:
“19Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God’s commands is what counts”
Wait, why ask me? I’m not the one who gets inserted with that thing.
As this poster says, it’s your CIRCUMDECISSION.