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Do you feel like your company is short-changing you by blocking internet porn sites? Do you feel like slashing your wrists everytime the word ‘BLOCKED’ appears when you try to move your way into sites like:

  • porn.com
  • teennudies.com
  • boobs.com
  • preggoplayground.com
  • literotica.com
  • naughtypinay.com
  • pinoyscandals.com
  • etc?

We need porn during office hours, but the superstructure is preventing us from doing so.  

So you feel you are entitled to porn during office hours, right? Especially when they make you work overtime. Or when your third cup of coffee fails and you feel like jolting yourself awake at 1 or 2 pm. Or when you’re too nervous to face your class for the first time and a seasoned co-teacher advised you to imagine your students in the nude to get rid of the butterflies in your stomach. Or you just can’t watch porn because your wife finds watching inanimate objects used for intercourse too disgusting.  

I know you can justify and rationalize why you need porn during office hours. Whatever your reasons are, I’m sure they’re as valid as the ones stated above. Let me share the solution. Now, you don’t need to settle for Faster Pussycat Kill Kill! to get your fix.

Yup, that’s like battling world hunger with a bag of peas.

You know what?I found a way around the fucking system!

These site blockers work in a system where your computer techies encode porn words in a system that blocks the sites that contain such words. What most people try is to randomly find  slangs synonymous to porn-related words and add ‘.com’ in the end.

Example: slut.com, whore.com, pinay.com, pussy.com, dickshaft.com, meatholster.com, salamihider.com, old_in_out_in_out.com, etc.

Now if your techies are as good as the ones where I work, you will content yourself to photos about prostitution in wikipedia.com, like these I found at 1.30 pm yesterday.

You might as well resort to dropping the mousepad-on-the-floor-and-picking-it-up-gimmick in the hopes that you will catch a glimpse of that co-worker who wears real short skirts as you lower your head.

I’m drowning here and you’re only describing the waters!

Remember this: They encode such words in ENGLISH! So the way around this system is to randomly type pornlike words in a different language! A few sessions in my Spanish class has taught me words synonymous to women like, mujer or mujeres, chica or chicas, hija or hijas. Use these words. I also found out that using the plural form always work.

Por ejemplos:

Instead of encoding chicks.com type chicas.com! By the way, chick.com isn’t a porn site. It’s a conservative Christian publication of some Jack or Jess Chick that publish anti-gay literature like this.  

So, instead of:

Or try something else,like cewek.com instead of whore.com. That’s Bahasa Indonesia, by the way. By the way, this is random and does not guarantee there is a porn site with a name like that. I tried Por El Revista, as For Him Magazine, but it didn’t work.

Great thinking, Mr. Cunning Linguist, but I don’t speak Mexican!

Look for one and have him translate words for you.  Can’t find a Juan, a Jose, a Pedro, etc? Try spanishdict.com. Now, that’s with a ‘t’, not a ‘k’. Either it gets blocked again or you end up being mistaken for a homo who has the hots for some Latino heat.  

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emo or homo?

Posted: October 20, 2007 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Ever get confused whether that strange guy at the other table in front of you is an emo or a homo? I am sure you can’t make up your mind if this is an emo or a homo, right?

 

I have developed a surefire, foolproof, 100% sure way of figuring out how. I call this the emo-homo test. You’ll need the following: A public restroom with urinals with no splashguards, like the one in the photo below and a male genital (preferably not your own, but where can you find one?) –most likely yours.

You have to take a piss next to the subject (ie. the emo-homo guy). Observe how he will react after he sneaks a peek. If:

A. he smiles at you and asks for your number, he’s a homo.

B. he does not say a thing, but after a week you hear a song about why God didn’t give all men the same dick-length, then he’s an emo.

Now, for that to work, you need time. If he doesn’t ask for your number, then you’ll have to wait. You’ll have to wait for a song, some sort of poetry, a grafitti on the wall on your next trip, etc. to confirm he’s an emo. Or you can stay longer in the said public bathroom and watch him slash his own male member in an emo self-mutilating fashion. That’s something you don’t have. I’m sure you’d rather spend your free time playing video games than witness something amusingly sad like that.

What I present to you is an alternative. But before I tell you how, let’s study the facts first.

According to the wikipedia, emo looks like this:

Emo is also often associated with a certain fashion. Emo clothing is characterized by tight jeans on males and females alike, long fringe (bangs) brushed to one side of the face or over one or both eyes, dyed black, straightened hair, tight t-shirts which often bear the names of rock bands (or other designed shirts), studded belts, belt buckles, canvas sneakers or skate shoes or other black shoes (often old and beaten up) and thick, black horn-rimmed glasses.

1. The hair. Long fringes brushed to the side of the face. You mean like this? Take note of the third guy from left.  

 

2. Eye liner.

 

I think you’re more confused than ever.

3. Tight shirt and jeans.

4. Glasses.

Which is emo? Which is homo?

You don’t have to be a genius to know that Elton John is a homo. Based on the following photos, I have spotted the one thing that separates the two. You have to look for is the presence or absence of smile. It’s as simple as that! Smile? Homo. That’s why they’re called gay because they’re happy. No smile? E-fucking-mo! A smile on the face doesn’t go well with the twisted soul, misery, sadness, and all the fuckedupness that makes one don tight shirts, have assymmetrical hair and borrow their mama’s eyeliner.   

Now, test your emo-homo skills. Have fun.

 

1. This guy with eyeliner is crying. Is he emo or homo?

 

2. This one can be tough. It’s hard to tell if he’s smiling or not. Emo or homo? 

 

 

3. How about this black guy getting an eyeliner? Is he getting ready for a Pride Parade or for a rock concert?

 

4. These are characters from an Indonesian movie. Are they E or H?

 

 

5. And the last one.

Now, for the answers:

 

 

1. No smile. Basic. He’s emo. That’s what emo is –being emotional.

 

2. While that pout seems to be gay, he’s actually emo.

 

3. This one’s a little bit tough. You can’t tell if he’s actually smiling or he’s simply telling the lady something. What that something is, nobody knows. It could be “Who did your hair, sister?” or “Life sucks.” Answer: Homo. There are no black emos. Blacks don’t emo.

When life sucks, they get tattoos, do drugs, have adventurous sex with women and write rap songs about it.

Here’s an excerpt from Body Count.

Neceassary Evil

by Body Count

Car hit my dog, babies die, raped in a
Stairwell, cop killed a little girl,
Armed robbery, shooter of a drive-by,
Smokin’ cain, sellin’ joints in jr High
Head from a minor, sex with animals,
Butthole surfers, a fucked up rehearsal,
Lost pawn ticket, wrecked my father’s car
Can’t pay my school loan, major jack move,
Holy underwear
Stuck in the pen, forced in a gang, plain
Wrapped food,
Fucked up presidents, sleepin’ through trash day
Hit a police car, gettin’ laid off, gotta pay
Taxes, gridlock traffic,
Jealous muthafuckas, bitch tried to do me,
Hit and run,
I got a fat bitch pregnant
Necessary evil

 The scarf should have been a give away, too, since that isn’t an emo apparel.

4. They may strike you as homos because of their pose. But the title of the movie should have been a big clue. They are characters in this Indonesian movie that I didn’t get to finish watching. But it appears to be some Y Tu Mama Tambien type of movie. Do they end up kissing each other, like in Y Tu Mama Tambien? I don’t know.

 

But one of them gets to kiss this hot mama. So the answer? Emo.

 

5. The last one? I really have no idea. He’s too fucking creepy to even think about labeling him as either emo or homo. When you see this ferocious reptile, would you stop and think if it’s a crocodile or an alligator? Same here. Or maybe he’s a homo emo or hemo.

Now for the score interpretation:

5 Superb! You can tell whether to cover your ears or your crotch. You are en emo-homo authority.

4 Near perfect. You might occassionally mistake a homo for an emo from time to time, but friends will agree with your judgment most of the time.

3 So-so. You pass. But still, your judgment is not something your friends can hold on to. You can’t tell a friend a certain guest is an emo without getting an objection from a friend.

2 Ugh. You’re simply guessing. Study the pictures more before you even begin trying this in real life, with real people. You are at risk of getting a slap on the face from a homo if you ask him where to buy self-mutilating razors.  

1 Dumb. You have no idea if somebody’s going to corner you in one room to give you head or ask you if you have downloaded My Chemical Romance’s latest single.