Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Being the Son of God, Jesus had super powers. He once changed water into wine in a wedding feast, walked on water, mutiplied fish and bread by thousands, raised Lazarus from the dead and healed a lot of ailing people. But all these he did for the benefit of others, not for himself. You must begin to wonder if he ever used it for selfish reasons. He was not being selfish when, instead of staying dead, he resurrected himself on the third day. That was all part of the Father’s plans.

This passage tells us that instance when he did abuse his super powers. Also it reveals Jesus’ temper. You know that thing about money changers in the temple? There’s good reason to be pissed there. The people were defiling his temple by hawking their wares in his temple -which was supposed to be a of prayer. That’s tantamount to wearing your shoes when entering a mosque. 

Actually, on the day before that thrashing thing, he had exhibited some violent behavior. So even before he saw the commercial activity in the temple, he was already upset about something. And what was that?

12The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. 13Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. 14Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it. -Mark 11:12-14

It was not fig season, but apparently he is too famished to think straight. He can’t multiply the fruit like he did with the loaves of bread and fish since mutliplying zero will give you a product of zero. He knew his math. So what did he do? He cursed the tree into being barren. That’s like burning a McDonald’s because it’s not the season for Twister Fries. Couldn’t he have just magically make the fig tree bear fruits? He can defy physics by walking on water, can’t he defy biology as well?

Thorns on the head, thousands of lashes, dragging a heavy wooden cross and getting crucified he can handle. But not getting fig at a time when it’s not fig season, he can’t? He once fasted for forty days and forty nights. What’s with the guy?

Clearly he’s power tripping.

So he’s into figs, right? While fasting and meditating for forty days and forty nights, Satan tempted him with riches: treasures, castles and power on Earth, but he didn’t give in. If only Satan knew Jesus was into figs, he could have dangled a fig at the end of the stick on a cliff.   

By the way, the disciples heard him curse the tree. The next day, they see the tree and they were flabbergasted that the tree has withered and died. You can imagine the disciples whispering about how powerful he was and how much of a jackass he could be when pissed.

They might have wondered if they will suffer the same fate when asked for a piece of bread next time. He lost his temper. He exhibited some villain-like tantrum when things didn’t go his way. How different is the guy from Darth Vader who when disappointed delivers an invisible chokehold on his sotrm trooper?

In a way you can say that this might affect his relationship with his disciples. He realized this and tried to do something about it. How does he recover from such vulgar display of power tripping then?

He uses that withered tree that he cursed to teach a new lesson. He uses this to imply how much doubts and how little faith they have.

 

 20In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. 21Peter remembered and said to Jesus, “Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”

 22“Have[a] faith in God,” Jesus answered. 23“I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. 24Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”[b]Mark 11:20-25.

Peter was stating the fact that the tree Jesus cursed whithered. He wasn’t implying anything. In fact he might even be praising him for his power to make trees wither since it did not manifest on the instant he cursed it. He might be saying to the others that they should see that he indeed cursed the tree to barrenness.

How does Jesus answer? He tells them to have faith in God and goes on to talk about flinging oneself to the sea and how prayers actually work if you truly wish for it. Then he proceeeds to give Peter the power to forgive sins in this world. The Catholic Church would later interpret this verse and use it as basis for the powers of the priests to forgive sins if sinners will confess their sins to them inside a big box.

All this priestly powers because of some whithered tree Jesus cursed.

 

25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

Then they move to Jerusalem again where he shows off his debating skills.

 Jesus is known as a well-mannered individual as a whole. He insisted on turning the other cheek, encouraged his snobbish disciples to allow children to come and listen to him and preached about sitting on the humblest seat when invited to a dinner. He is also known as a great motivational speaker who electrified the crowd without resorting to foul language. Or may he did…

There was a time he was pissed in the bible. He sees some entrepreneurial action going on in his temple. He thrashes the place. He overturns tables and flings animal products, but over all he kept his tongue in check. In Jesus Christ Superstar he just sings in falsetto “My temple should be a house of prayer/ But you have made it to a den of thieves/ Get out!/ Get out!”

 

Another instance that one would think he may have used a not-so-wholesome language would be that one of the last seven words where an exasperated Jesus asked in a mildly questioning manner, “Father, why have you forsaken me?” It would sound like he doesn’t want to be crucified anymore and he questions God’s will. It may sound defiant and he seems to be doubting God’s love there. But still it is nothing you would consider as something to bleeped. Given all the things he had to endure in the movie in Passion of the Christ, that sentence would rather sound very polite as opposed to what most of us will say when we bump our head on a table while picking up a fork we dropped on the floor.  

 

While it can be inferred that Jesus chose his words well and used a kind of language most of our parents would applaud since he is the Son of God, who would have thought that at some time he sounded just like a regular construction worker? 

Jesus was preaching about the cost of being a disciple. He talks about how much commitment is needed to become one. He illustrates this idea by saying that a man who plans to construct a building should estimate first and check whether he has enough materials to complete it.

It can be sensed though that Jesus is might have gotten up from the wrong side of the bed that day when he proceeds to use war to explain his idea further. He tells them that those who go to war need to estimate if they have enough soldiers against their enemies. He may be hinting on sending a scout on a quick horse. Normally, he would use grapes and lost coins in his parables, but he seems to border on something violent that day.

Then he resorts to foul language to hammer the idea on disciples-to-be who happen to be in the area. Bear in mind that when this was said at their time the more popular word we use for this bodily waste was not yet in use.

 34“Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? 35It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out.
      “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” -Luke 14:34-35

If we translate it to modern lingo it would sound something like this:

34“Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? 35It is fit neither for the soil nor for a pile of shit; it is thrown out.

It is neither fit for the soil nor for pile of a crap!

“Yeah, the commitment you are showing now is greatly appreciated, but what good would it be once it fades and it is gone? It’s so useless it is worth less than a pile of shit,”  Jesus Christ.

Why did Jesus use ‘pile of shit’ or ‘pile of crap’ instead of ‘pile of garbage’? It still means the same thing -a pile of useless things. I don’t know maybe it’s because was stressed out at that time because he had a long day. In that same chapter he had debated with some pharisees and talked of a parable of a great banquet. The parable may have been an improv and it took its toll on him.  

Or maybe this is where his carpenter roots come in. Remember he grew up with a carpenter foster father and maybe that’s the way Joseph talks to his kid at home.

Do you feel like your company is short-changing you by blocking internet porn sites? Do you feel like slashing your wrists everytime the word ‘BLOCKED’ appears when you try to move your way into sites like:

  • porn.com
  • teennudies.com
  • boobs.com
  • preggoplayground.com
  • literotica.com
  • naughtypinay.com
  • pinoyscandals.com
  • etc?

We need porn during office hours, but the superstructure is preventing us from doing so.  

So you feel you are entitled to porn during office hours, right? Especially when they make you work overtime. Or when your third cup of coffee fails and you feel like jolting yourself awake at 1 or 2 pm. Or when you’re too nervous to face your class for the first time and a seasoned co-teacher advised you to imagine your students in the nude to get rid of the butterflies in your stomach. Or you just can’t watch porn because your wife finds watching inanimate objects used for intercourse too disgusting.  

I know you can justify and rationalize why you need porn during office hours. Whatever your reasons are, I’m sure they’re as valid as the ones stated above. Let me share the solution. Now, you don’t need to settle for Faster Pussycat Kill Kill! to get your fix.

Yup, that’s like battling world hunger with a bag of peas.

You know what?I found a way around the fucking system!

These site blockers work in a system where your computer techies encode porn words in a system that blocks the sites that contain such words. What most people try is to randomly find  slangs synonymous to porn-related words and add ‘.com’ in the end.

Example: slut.com, whore.com, pinay.com, pussy.com, dickshaft.com, meatholster.com, salamihider.com, old_in_out_in_out.com, etc.

Now if your techies are as good as the ones where I work, you will content yourself to photos about prostitution in wikipedia.com, like these I found at 1.30 pm yesterday.

You might as well resort to dropping the mousepad-on-the-floor-and-picking-it-up-gimmick in the hopes that you will catch a glimpse of that co-worker who wears real short skirts as you lower your head.

I’m drowning here and you’re only describing the waters!

Remember this: They encode such words in ENGLISH! So the way around this system is to randomly type pornlike words in a different language! A few sessions in my Spanish class has taught me words synonymous to women like, mujer or mujeres, chica or chicas, hija or hijas. Use these words. I also found out that using the plural form always work.

Por ejemplos:

Instead of encoding chicks.com type chicas.com! By the way, chick.com isn’t a porn site. It’s a conservative Christian publication of some Jack or Jess Chick that publish anti-gay literature like this.  

So, instead of:

Or try something else,like cewek.com instead of whore.com. That’s Bahasa Indonesia, by the way. By the way, this is random and does not guarantee there is a porn site with a name like that. I tried Por El Revista, as For Him Magazine, but it didn’t work.

Great thinking, Mr. Cunning Linguist, but I don’t speak Mexican!

Look for one and have him translate words for you.  Can’t find a Juan, a Jose, a Pedro, etc? Try spanishdict.com. Now, that’s with a ‘t’, not a ‘k’. Either it gets blocked again or you end up being mistaken for a homo who has the hots for some Latino heat.  

 “Why can’t I worship the Lord my way, like praying like hell in my deathbed?” Homer to Marge while entering the church late in The Simpsons Movie.

Homer may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but this is one instant that I would say he is a genius. You see, he just stumbled upon the biggest loophole in the Christian religion. And he does so without outside help. This is what an epiphany is and not that one induced by some Inuit throat singing.

If you’ll believe what priests and pastors tell you, then attaining salvation would mean doing things their way -dressing up in clothes you would not normally wear and attending boring masses, Sunday schools, bible studies, enduring boring and phony people at fellowship, actually reading the thick bible —and giving donations you wish you’d spend buying pirated DVDs. 

While reading the bible can be fun, there’s one passage you might wish to highlight with a yellow marker. 

I’ll tell you who the smartest man in the bible is. Roman Catholic tradition refers to him as Dimas. You know, that criminal guy at the right side of Christ in his crucifixion.

From left to right: Dimas (he’s at Jesus’s right), Jesus and Hestas.

This is how it is described in Luke 23:39-43:

39One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Christ? Save yourself and us!”

 40But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? 41We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”

 42Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.[a]

 43Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.”

 

Smooooth, Dimas. Here you are with no way out. You’re nailed on the cross with two others. You’re certain that you’ll die, right? There’s no escaping crucifixion on your own. What hurt would it do you if you at least pretend to care, to revere the other guy, who you’re not so sure if he’s the messiah or just another wannabe Willem Defoe built crosses for in The Last Temptation of the Christ? Nothing, right? So, why don’t you throw in your apples in that basket and hope that he was actually the on prophesied for centuries?  

If Dimas was the smartest, the dumbest one in the bible would be (yup it’s open to debate, actually)  the one on Jesus’s left, Hestas.  

How stupid was that guy when he challenged the ‘messiah’ and told him, “Aren’t you the messiah? Why don’t you save yourself and us?” For him to say that, he could’ve meant either of the two:

1. He was insulting the man because he didn’t actually believed that he was one.

Now, what good would that do him? What purpose would it have served to insult a man on the cross who, however remote the possibility was, could have been the messiah? What, to make himself feel like some bully or something? What was he thinking?

“Oh maybe the Romans will laugh and they’ll let me off because I’m cool?” Was he trying to win their hearts with that put down? Did he consider that maybe the Roman soldiers didn’t speak Jew.

Jesus must be saying, “Let’s see how you enjoy hell, bitch.”

2. Or, maybe, he did believe he was the messiah.

But, is that the kind of tone you’d use to a ‘messiah’? Especially on that occasion? If that wasn’t stupid, you’d have invent a new word. You see a man who you think might be the messiah. You see that he’s lost buckets of blood. He’s been egged on by King Herod to perform magic tricks. He wanted to turn him into a toad or at least give him the finger, but that doesn’t go well with his  savior thing. It’s against the objectives of his mission. And here you are criminal nailed on the cross because you deserved every second of it and you demand things from him that he wouldn’t do to a king?

Jesus in front of Herpd in Jesus Christ Superstar

Now, let’s go back to Dimas. Dimas has just showed us the way, people. We can actually live the same life we have now. He actually led a more rotten life that you have. He’s a criminal, so I guess he had led a life of booze, women, stealing stuff, lying here and there, cheating, etc. Yo9u know life modern day rappers, without a record label and album.

What I’m saying is, if a criminal who sucked up to Jesus in the last minute can actually be told that at that moment he is in paradise with Jesus, real paradise mind you, not the one you get when you smoke a joint with a friend, what more if you’ll pray like hell in your deathbed? That’s sure entry to heaven, I’m telling you.

I’m sure, your priests and pastors will tell you that attaining salvation is not easy. It’s because they don’t want to lose revenues. Do you actually believe that they cared for your soul even before they have met you? You’re just a faceless human being who at one point of his life he may have wished dead because you were ahead of him in line when he was getting his driver’s license at the Land Transportation Office.

 

What I offer you is this church. A church built, not on fear, guilt and donations, but on a solid bible verse (no, not John 3:16)–The Church of Dimas. Live your life the way you want. Watch basketball and cartoons. Then, pray like hell in your deathbed when the times comes. 

All Saints’ Day is near. While the western wolrd gears up for Halloween, we, Filipinos get ready for All Saints’. This is the time of the year, we go to the cemetery and do some major cleaning, pretend to remember grandpaernts who died while we were three years old by snacking and lighting candles on their tombs.

Last All Saints’ Day, I was in Indonesia and I missed the Philippines. I went to their cemetery and found the following odd tombs. So let me present to you some of them.

Here’s a photo of their cemetery. There no gates. So if you’re drunk one night you might stumble in it, like Michael Jackson in Thriller. This is a Christian cemetery, by the way, so you can’t say, “Oh it’s weird because it’s Islamic”.

Having plants in the middle is a common thing in their tombs. Take note of the tiles and the gradient color. I don’t know if it’s a flower box or it is bathroom floor.

I don’t know what the plant suggests in a tomb. Maybe it means there’s life after death. But this one, you have to admit, overdoes it.

Maybe they need a teenager to mow it.

Born… Dead… Instead of ‘Died’. Maybe, this is Body Count’s inspiration for the title of their album.

“I want pink, Ma.”

 You don’t have to be a genius to figure out this guy’ job when he was still living.

 I just don’t get the idea behind this design.

The tiles again. this time with Winnie Fag on it.  

You’re evil if you laughed at this one. It’s a child’s. You’re going to hell for laughing at child’s grave.

emo or homo?

Posted: October 20, 2007 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Ever get confused whether that strange guy at the other table in front of you is an emo or a homo? I am sure you can’t make up your mind if this is an emo or a homo, right?

 

I have developed a surefire, foolproof, 100% sure way of figuring out how. I call this the emo-homo test. You’ll need the following: A public restroom with urinals with no splashguards, like the one in the photo below and a male genital (preferably not your own, but where can you find one?) –most likely yours.

You have to take a piss next to the subject (ie. the emo-homo guy). Observe how he will react after he sneaks a peek. If:

A. he smiles at you and asks for your number, he’s a homo.

B. he does not say a thing, but after a week you hear a song about why God didn’t give all men the same dick-length, then he’s an emo.

Now, for that to work, you need time. If he doesn’t ask for your number, then you’ll have to wait. You’ll have to wait for a song, some sort of poetry, a grafitti on the wall on your next trip, etc. to confirm he’s an emo. Or you can stay longer in the said public bathroom and watch him slash his own male member in an emo self-mutilating fashion. That’s something you don’t have. I’m sure you’d rather spend your free time playing video games than witness something amusingly sad like that.

What I present to you is an alternative. But before I tell you how, let’s study the facts first.

According to the wikipedia, emo looks like this:

Emo is also often associated with a certain fashion. Emo clothing is characterized by tight jeans on males and females alike, long fringe (bangs) brushed to one side of the face or over one or both eyes, dyed black, straightened hair, tight t-shirts which often bear the names of rock bands (or other designed shirts), studded belts, belt buckles, canvas sneakers or skate shoes or other black shoes (often old and beaten up) and thick, black horn-rimmed glasses.

1. The hair. Long fringes brushed to the side of the face. You mean like this? Take note of the third guy from left.  

 

2. Eye liner.

 

I think you’re more confused than ever.

3. Tight shirt and jeans.

4. Glasses.

Which is emo? Which is homo?

You don’t have to be a genius to know that Elton John is a homo. Based on the following photos, I have spotted the one thing that separates the two. You have to look for is the presence or absence of smile. It’s as simple as that! Smile? Homo. That’s why they’re called gay because they’re happy. No smile? E-fucking-mo! A smile on the face doesn’t go well with the twisted soul, misery, sadness, and all the fuckedupness that makes one don tight shirts, have assymmetrical hair and borrow their mama’s eyeliner.   

Now, test your emo-homo skills. Have fun.

 

1. This guy with eyeliner is crying. Is he emo or homo?

 

2. This one can be tough. It’s hard to tell if he’s smiling or not. Emo or homo? 

 

 

3. How about this black guy getting an eyeliner? Is he getting ready for a Pride Parade or for a rock concert?

 

4. These are characters from an Indonesian movie. Are they E or H?

 

 

5. And the last one.

Now, for the answers:

 

 

1. No smile. Basic. He’s emo. That’s what emo is –being emotional.

 

2. While that pout seems to be gay, he’s actually emo.

 

3. This one’s a little bit tough. You can’t tell if he’s actually smiling or he’s simply telling the lady something. What that something is, nobody knows. It could be “Who did your hair, sister?” or “Life sucks.” Answer: Homo. There are no black emos. Blacks don’t emo.

When life sucks, they get tattoos, do drugs, have adventurous sex with women and write rap songs about it.

Here’s an excerpt from Body Count.

Neceassary Evil

by Body Count

Car hit my dog, babies die, raped in a
Stairwell, cop killed a little girl,
Armed robbery, shooter of a drive-by,
Smokin’ cain, sellin’ joints in jr High
Head from a minor, sex with animals,
Butthole surfers, a fucked up rehearsal,
Lost pawn ticket, wrecked my father’s car
Can’t pay my school loan, major jack move,
Holy underwear
Stuck in the pen, forced in a gang, plain
Wrapped food,
Fucked up presidents, sleepin’ through trash day
Hit a police car, gettin’ laid off, gotta pay
Taxes, gridlock traffic,
Jealous muthafuckas, bitch tried to do me,
Hit and run,
I got a fat bitch pregnant
Necessary evil

 The scarf should have been a give away, too, since that isn’t an emo apparel.

4. They may strike you as homos because of their pose. But the title of the movie should have been a big clue. They are characters in this Indonesian movie that I didn’t get to finish watching. But it appears to be some Y Tu Mama Tambien type of movie. Do they end up kissing each other, like in Y Tu Mama Tambien? I don’t know.

 

But one of them gets to kiss this hot mama. So the answer? Emo.

 

5. The last one? I really have no idea. He’s too fucking creepy to even think about labeling him as either emo or homo. When you see this ferocious reptile, would you stop and think if it’s a crocodile or an alligator? Same here. Or maybe he’s a homo emo or hemo.

Now for the score interpretation:

5 Superb! You can tell whether to cover your ears or your crotch. You are en emo-homo authority.

4 Near perfect. You might occassionally mistake a homo for an emo from time to time, but friends will agree with your judgment most of the time.

3 So-so. You pass. But still, your judgment is not something your friends can hold on to. You can’t tell a friend a certain guest is an emo without getting an objection from a friend.

2 Ugh. You’re simply guessing. Study the pictures more before you even begin trying this in real life, with real people. You are at risk of getting a slap on the face from a homo if you ask him where to buy self-mutilating razors.  

1 Dumb. You have no idea if somebody’s going to corner you in one room to give you head or ask you if you have downloaded My Chemical Romance’s latest single.

Unlike our Western counterparts who have their foreskins snipped at the hospital on the same week they are born, we Filipinos have our circumcision at a certain age. A friend of mine asked me what age is the best to have his child circumcised. She wants to know if it wise to have her nine-year old child circumcised during the sem break. I’m not much of an authority on the matter and so I turn to an ever-reliable source of answer for all things -The Bible! So here’s a few Q&A about the said topic.

1. But before we even think the right age for such operation, we should be asking the right question first. Should we even have that skin cut off?

According to Genesis 7:11, we should as a sign of our covenant with Him. Yup, as a sign that we are His children and not Satan’s. That’s what a covenant is, right? Some sort of commitment you have with a girlfriend, video game console, or your band. Every time I quote the Bible and you don’t believe me, go on and click on the hyperlink –the underlined word, sheesh.

2. So aside from baptism, confirmation and the other sacraments, one should have circumcision if they have a penis, right? Or their souls belong to Satan. But when should my child have it snipped?

Yup, shedding that skin is needed. If we ask the Bible again, you can see how specific they are with when this should take place. It is when he’s eight days old, according to Genesis 17:12. Take note days, not years. So, if you want it done Bible-style, you’re child’s too late.

 

Above: infant circumcision. I suggest you do not try this at home.  

In the Philippines, circumcision is not done after birth. It is done not by a mohel, but by a doctor or some local albularyo or faith healer with a trusty blade and chopping board, known as di-pukpok. Children will have to live up to around twelve years old with their foreskin till summer of grade six. That’s the most common time of their lives that they have to be circumcised. It’s some sort of a transition period. From lower and middle school to upper school. From boyhood to manhood. They should shed the hood before  high school or they become a bully target.  The snake’s head should be out before grass sprouts. What humiliation one would have when he shows his pubic area to the doctor if he has that bush around.

Above: photo of mass-circumcised twelve year old kids.

These are the poor ones. I didn’t have get that way. I got this best friend who split the payment with me. It was just the two of us… Wait, I don’t think I want to talk about this.

And one should not delay having their foreskins taken off for it is not only in the Philippines that being not circumcised is frowned upon by society, but to God’s own eyes as well.

3. What? Will I lose my child to Satan if he doesn’t undergo this?  

It says so here in Genesis 17:14. Any uncircumcised male wil be cut off from his people for he has broken my covenant. Not only will your child suffer the humiliation from his peers and society, but he’ll suffer eternal damnation as well. And God compares those who do not follow his commands to uncircumcised males. Uncircumcised males! Not to perverts, animals, or an inferior race, but to uncircumcised males! That’s from Romans 2:25.

 You don’t want to anger God, do you? Check Ezekiel and you might find about how he is when he gets pissed. His mad libs will reduce Stone Steve Austin and The Rock to jabronies.

 

4. But my son has missed the bus. Obviously it’s a little bit more than eight days. Is it too late?  

The Egyptians had circumcision at adulthood. But let’s not walk their path. After all, these are people who were drowned in the Red Sea because they angered God. Let’s review the bible. And I have encouraging news for you.

 

Yup, fret not, my dear friend, for there is a loophole in here. It turns out an important biblical figure had his foreskin chopped off late in his life. Abraham, father of some nations, had his foreskin sliced off at the ancient age of ninety-fucking-nine! We’re talking about some prophet of sorts here. (Genesis 17:24)

 

Above photo courtesy of Caravaggio: An angel instructs Abraham how to self-circumcise. The angel reminds him to sharpen his knife. With that leathery old skin of his the blade may fly off and impale him in the face.

But do not wait for your child to turn 99.

According to statistics, the average life span of a Filipino is 67.5 years old. Chances are your child would be dead for forty years if you’ll wait till 99.

5. I don’t want my child hurt. I think he’ll be saved from the fiery pits of hell because he hears mass every Sunday.

You know what, there was this biblical figure who suffered and died in cross. His life has been made into several movies. Even a musical! Now, I don’t think there’s even a song made for your child. You know who I’m talking about? The Savior that’s who! Even Jesus, the purest of them all,  had to be circumcised (Luke 2: 20-22)!

 

6. Fucking told my husband to have it during the Christmas holidays. But does he listen? No. He said it was cool. He said he even saw it in porn before.

Wait, are these questions for your child or your husband? Well, if that’s the case. If it’s for your husband. I know how pig-headed he is at times.  Go ahead. Shag to your hearts’ content. Forget circumcision. It’s not that important really.

7. Wait, you’re telling me now it’s okay. Well which one is it? Okay or not? You got me confused.

You have to think of God like a girlfriend or wife. He says this one day and says fuck it the next. Think of the bible this way. When he wrote the Old Testament he was having some sort of PMS bad trip and other half, the New Testament is when he’s feeling sweety (but like most girlfriends, does things in a roundabout guilt tripping manner).

Let me present to you the all-absolving verse that negates everything single thing that has been discussed here. In the previous verse in Romans 2:25, it is hinted that circumcision is not really that important. You can be circumcised and yet be like uncircumcised if you didn’t follow God’s commands. Here’s 1 Corinthians 7:19 that says:

“19Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God’s commands is what counts”

Wait, why ask me? I’m not the one who gets inserted with that thing.

As this poster says, it’s your CIRCUMDECISSION.